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No will do

I tried to check for other jobs where I can apply but I just can’t get myself to do so. I can’t see myself working for them. It’s tough.
There’s no other way I could see myself – tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, next decade – but only as God-knows-what. I just can’t anymore. I have to pursue this.
♫ Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson – Relator
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Tough World

It’s hard when you can’t see the present or the kind of world the people are living in, or prefer to live in, because you see things differently. You have a vision that seems like only a dream, a fantasy. But it’s the only thing you can see yourself living in.

This dream is getting more grand and harder to reach. “Take small steps,” but how and where?

Even when you try to live in the world that people know and like, you find no place. The ground is uncertain, thus you can’t dig some roots. Even with hard work, people toss you here and there.

So where to now?

♫ Westlife – My Love ♫

Yume

I’ve been into an activity that reminds me of my dream, which I thought I’ve put on hold. I did put it on hold but as I keep doing this “activity” I find myself longing for more.

Will there be an opportunity for me? Will the heavens be on my side? Will it be kind and let me have this dream?

If I’d be asked how I see my self in three to five years and more, if I were to answer that truthfully, my heart will be shattered into pieces. For my dream is too grand. It’s so massive I don’t know how to get started. I know I would be needing the right people and the right time. But then, will I ever have both? It seems to me like the heavens are denying me these.

Truth be told, I can’t see myself doing anything else but this dream. There’s no even “in three years” but only right away.

For years, as I look back, the dream has been there. Silenced. Thus, I am silenced as well. It feels like I’m going down the road of destruction because I can’t see my dream except in my head.

They say believe. I say though that I am running out of time. I am losing the drive to take a step out the door and do something else. I might as well vanish now.

♫ Lyn – Back in Time ♫

Hopeful waiting

I guess I’ll be spending a lot of time waiting, enduring, and hoping. I would love to make it work. I want to make it work. If given the chance, I’ll really give it my best shot. I’ll give more than a hundred percent if needed.

There’s a TV series I’ve been watching and it’s on its new season. One of the things discussed in the new season’s episode is the protagonist’s calling, sort of what she really wanted in life. Interesting enough, I feel like I’m also facing the same situation.

“Look inside.”

Now let me dig deep.

♫ Leonard Cohen – Slow ♫

It remains…

The dream remains. The desire stays. But when shall it be revealed? Will it even be revealed?

These thoughts linger in my head, for days to weeks. Every single day.

♫ Kaki King – Night After Sidewalk 

About a month-long

tumblr_nyrtipchlq1t217f6o5_250I believe it’s been a month since I haven’t stopped thinking about something that was triggered by a particular character in a movie I watched many years ago. It’s like a curiosity was ignited in me though I kind of just put it aside since that moment. But it would sneak into my consciousness every now and then.

This past month has been different. It’s been a daily preoccupation. I might not be finding the door for such path yet but I’m thankful. I believe everything is preparing me for the right moment and with the right attitude. The latter is particularly important. Should the right time come, I want to be ready. More importantly, I want to have a grateful heart  that is ready to fight for it.

Beanfield – Charles ♫

For a fortnight

I believe it’s been 14 straight days since I’ve been thinking about someone particular. Truth be told, I don’t know how this person got into my mind. I just let things be. Sometimes, or more than often, I would entertain a thought or two about this person. Whenever I do so I always end up diverted to a particular dream that I’ve had for quite a time.

tumblr_nlsj3hi97w1smipnlo1_540Wishful thoughts turned into potential goals. As I could not go living a day without thinking of this dream, I decided to take baby steps to reach it, in ways available to me. Creating this blog is one of them.

I could go further and farther to reach this dream but there are just a lot of things to think about and consider. I can’t just abandon things and the present that easily so I have to take calculated risks, banking on what’s always been said. Don’t stop dreaming.

♫ Demi Lovato – Don’t Forget 

How to Love

I’ve been listening to a song that conveys a message like the title above. At first I thought it was talking about love in romance form. Perhaps it was. But as I learned how it came into “being” I saw the other side of it. It wasn’t just talking about romance.

Passion. The song reminded me of how one has to hold on or fight for a passion seen and perceived by a lot of people with a lot of prejudice, to put it lightly.

The song writer was torn between her responsibilities as a daughter and her own passion. How unfortunate. How familiar.

♫ Olivia Lufkin – A Little Pain ♫

Primera

I decided to make this blog so there will be a place where I can post my thoughts about this and that, whether personal or of those around me.

These past couple of days have been filled with a lot of introspection and contemplation. And just yesterday, this thought came into surface in a sense that it finally found its voice because before it was more like a fleeting thought.

what-would-you-do-if-you-knew-you-could-not-fail-39

When my “conscious” self finally became aware of the thought, my answer both surprised and did not surprise me.

Actually, the exact words in my head were “If failure is not an option, what would you do?”

Just a couple of days ago, I read an IG post of an actor quoting a devotional book. In paraphrase, it says, “If your dream doesn’t scare you, it’s useless.” Back to yesterday, after I had this thought of what I’d attempt, I stumbled upon a planner entry I made back in 2015. It was noted after I watched The Man from UNCLE. Something in that film sparked a “thought” I’ve always had since watching The Avengers. So it’s been 3 years.

And now is the fourth year.

Back to the question. What would I attempt to do if I knew I could not fail? But how can I pursue it? How am I to pursue it? Though I’m not scaredy scared of this dream, I am anxious about it.